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Baby, naked with spoon, by Assira, Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 Unported license (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/deed.en)

by April Boden

For most of the twentieth century, the only way women could treat hairy legs and armpits was through painful waxing or potentially harmful razors. But what if unsightly hair never formed to begin with, thanks to a vaccine painfully injected into the armpits and Achilles heel in the first few years of a child’s life?

Harpo Medical School faculty members working at the Foreskin Institute in Akron, an independent research and educational organization, focused on pili (excess hair) science, have discovered the basis for a vaccine that could someday put an end to hairy chicks. Professor of pili biology Marty Legsman, who heads Foreskin’s immunology department, and associate clinical professor of pili biology Daniel Shitz, a senior member of the Foreskin immunology department, say their vaccine could prevent hair from growing in certain areas of a woman’s body.

Although it has been common knowledge among pili scientists since the 1950s, most people are still startled to learn that hairy chicks are unattractive to most men. Many women produce a little known male hormone, known as hairtoomuchism, which causes hair to grow in excess. As hormones splinter and develop, wolverinism mutant hormones force many women to shave daily to keep the hair from popping out of their nylon stockings.

Hairy pits and legs are now nearly epidemic around the world, caused in part by women becoming too lazy to shave and the increasing cost of shaving and waxing products.  In China, an estimated 75 percent of female children as young as 12 may begin to grow leg hair.  Lacking the money to shave and wax, poor children are more likely to see their hair progress to excessive lengths, causing sexist men to be offended.

The Foreskin team aims to pull the rug out from under the hairtoomuchism and wolverinism hormones to prevent women from ever again suffering such trauma. Like other active vaccines, their’s works by introducing a foreign substance, called an antigen, into the body. Antigens trigger the immune system to produce antibodies, which attack the antigens and stay in the system indefinitely, providing long-term illness.

The pili vaccine uses an antigen known as 5-0s Amanasshole4everandaday, offering a greater immune response than other previously tested antigens. By cultivating the hairtoomuchism hormone in the dead cells of a hairless mole rat it can increase the immunity to hair growth.

Unlike many vaccines that are relatively painlessly injected into the muscle tissue, this will use an excruciatingly painful injection into soft fragile tissues, increasing the possibility that perhaps, maybe on a whim, the women who are given the vaccine will decrease their chance of growing hair in areas they do not wish to do so.

Professor Legsman said that, although the vaccine is set to be administered to young infant girls at around 18 months, there is no guarantee that lifelong immunity to pili will be established. Therefore a booster should be recommended at ages 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, and 25.  “After age 25,” states Professor Shitz, “we no longer care to check you out.”

“Although the two painful injections,” asserts Legsman, “should effectively produce antibodies to the hairtoomuchism and wolverinism hormones, and the vaccine is the best way we have to deal with hairy chicks, it will not replace the need for shaving and waxing, and it will be encouraged to young females at around 8 years of age, before puberty even begins, to reduce the risk of sexist jerks, such as myself, being subjected to viewing unattractive hair on women.”

An opponent of the vaccine, Professor Janz Losingit from Vaseliner University had this to say about the ground breaking inoculation, “Are they fuckin’ crazy?”

The next step is human clinical trials. Legsman and Shitz not only cultivated the hormones but have also successfully tested the new vaccine on hairless mole rats (which, unlike humans do not grow hair on their body). Ten years ago, Phase I trials in young men showed positive effects and safety with a painfully injected form of the vaccine.

The researchers are now seeking to partner with institutions that could provide the initial financial support (perhaps $400,000,000,000 to $500,000,000,000, Shitz estimates) and/or research facilities to help make enough vaccine to test in wider controlled studies.

Alternatively, scientists could get their head out of their ass and realize it makes more sense to use bloodletting leaches than the vaccine program.  But it appears that these dumbasses are milking it for all it’s worth until the walls come crashing in on their fraudulent science and lies.

Read more from April Boden at her site
Road to Recovery