by April Boden
Last night I woke at 3:30 a.m. I do this frequently, but last night my visions kept me awake until sunrise. I saw my son at age 12 months, on his birthday standing on the bed at a hotel in San Diego near Legoland. Watching Elmo. This episode, Elmo was talking about hands, “Hands are clapping, and hands must be washed before you eat…” With a bright beautiful smile and a look straight in the eye, Aydan clasped his hands together and said with conviction “hands”.
One month later he would receive the MMR and chicken pox vaccine in one day. At age 6½ I have still have not heard the word “hands” come from his mouth again.
A year later waiting in the doctor’s office Aydan sang the “Itsy Bitsy Spider” sort of. The doctor came in after about an hour. I should’ve just left, I should have walked away and taken the sign but I didn’t. I asked the doctor if I should be concerned about Aydan’s speech loss, but he’d just sung “itsy, bitsy, spider…” She said not to worry, we’ll look again in 6 months. He was vaccinated that day and I never heard “itsy bitsy spider” again.
Fast forward a year later: Aydan had been diagnosed, was receiving treatment and was starting to get better. He had just learned the names of all of the farm animals on his favorite puzzle. At 3 he received yet another set of vaccines in order to enter school. He has never said the name of those farm animals again.
Needless to say, my heart remains broken. I am haunted by these images. Painfully aware that if we had stopped sooner, if we had just skipped one round, he would be better off today. Aydan is considered on the severe end of the spectrum; he remains pre-verbal.
Today I am reading the Bolen Report which, on 10/04/11, started publishing part 1 of this 3 part groundbreaking series that declares the CDC has known since at least 2002 that thimerosal (mercury) containing vaccines contributed to the rise in autism. Not surprisingly, after Danish researcher Dr. Paul Thorsen fled the country with millions of dollars in stolen research money, his study would turn out to be a complete fraud. Lies, withheld data and more have been revealed, proving what so many of us have known for years. Vaccines cause autism!
So isn’t this what we’ve been waiting for, fighting for, screaming for? Can’t we all sleep well knowing that the truth has come out and lives will be spared? So why do I feel worse than ever? Because the truth is, through all my rantings and carrying on, through all my fighting of the good fight…I just want my son back.
I would gladly sacrifice the knowledge of any of this to hear my son speak, to see him write his name, to have him run up to me after school and ask if his friend can come over for a play date. I just want my boy. I don’t want to be smart, or insightful or clever or wag my finger and say “I told you so.”
I want my boy, I want my boy, I WANT HIM!! I just want him! I want him healthy, I want him to feel good. I don’t want to watch him slapping his head because the inflammation causes chronic headaches. I don’t want at age 6 to see him still walking on his toes and flapping his arms, or screeching for no apparent reason—or to do yet another round of anti-fungals, for yet another yeast overgrowth, for a still distended belly, caused by more constipation.
I watch him as he watches his older brother run down the stairs with his friends and around the apartment complex as they go riding their scooters. Aydan and I prayer every night that one day that will be him. But here we are, age 6½ and progress remains slow.
I wonder if I hold onto this pain because I fear that if I let it go, I will be letting go of my recovery dream.
Each day I try, try, try again. Fighting the school over an Apraxia speech therapist. Time to test the kidneys to make sure he’s ready for chelation. More magnesium cleanses, antifungal parade, more pro-biotics, more vitamin supplements, antioxidants, Relationship Development Intervention, evenings given Mustgatova massage, occupational therapy brushing protocol. Can I have a moment for myself or am I neglecting a potentially ground breaking teaching moment?
So someone tells me the other day she is worried about talking to people about vaccines because she wants to be taken seriously. Will this new information allow us to be taken seriously? Will it allow the mainstream to stop their nonsensical, unscientific rantings about the safety of vaccines? I don’t care. I don’t care what the mainstream media says, I don’t care what the government does. I just want my boy. I just want my Aydan.
I won’t return to the government who caused the problem looking for an answer or an apology. I won’t ask the mainstream media who has denied us acceptance for years. Like returning to an abusive boyfriend who claims to change but never will, I will not return to my abuser in anticipation of a new outcome. I don’t care to be taken seriously. I just my want my son. I want Aydan.
I want him back. I want time, I want just one, just one of those days to be erased from our history. The rest of this life, and the next, and the next after that, I give back to you God if you can give me my boy—if you can return him to his healthy state, if he could just be that carefree child that I know he longs to be when I see him watching his brother and his friends.
I commend us all, the parents of the vaccine injured who throw off the shackles of fear and speak openly and truthfully. Horribly painful stories I have heard. I sympathize and usually empathize but in the end, I just want my boy. I want Aydan. I want him back.
Will the acknowledgement of the truth change the past? Can I have my son back now? If I remain a hard working devoted mother and a good little activist will he come back to me? Will he?
Oh and please don’t give me pity, please don’t compliment me for my bravery or tell me all the lives I will save or the people I have spared this pain. Don’t get me wrong, I care.. I care about them all. I want a different world more than anyone can imagine; I want to save my son for a purpose. I do not see the logic in bringing up a well adjusted child to a maladjusted world. I am profoundly grateful each time I hear a new parent questioning vaccines and I am more than willing to share my story for the cause, at any given opportunity.
I know there is a greater light, a higher power…of this I am certain but I wonder if in this life I will ever be able to have a conversation with my son, play hide and seek. Wwill he want the keys to the car when he turns 16? This is my dream, this is my desire. That is the truth!
Read more of April’s writing on Road to Recovery.