CDC Invents New Number System! Increases H1N1 Deaths! (Satire)

by Heidi Stevenson

13 November 2009 (Friday the 13th)

In a master stroke, the CDC has created an entirely new system of mathematics based on a new way of counting! With this stroke of insight, they've increased the number of swine flu deaths almost six times over.

When asked what has been changed in mathematics, CDC spokesman Dr. Killeen Fields stated:

We have added the field of estimates, a new branch of math, which is based on the new axiom, 'Two plus two equals five, but only for very large values of two.' Therefore, when we added the estimated deaths from flu-like illnesses, it was axiomatic that these were very large values of flu. Since flu rhymes with two, it was clear that we were in new mathematical territory.

The CDC's statistical experts went to work crunching the numbers. They discovered a new constant, 5.83027. It's the ratio of the new math's flu death estimates to their previous flu death estimate, 3,900 divided by 672. The new constant is called morbus, from Latin for disease.

Morbus is now being applied to the original estimates of death rates from vaccinatable diseases, such as mumps, to discover that the past rates of death have been far greater than realized. They plan to use these new figures to lobby congress for laws mandating vaccinations in children and the elderly.

For the first time, a new advance in mathematics has resulted in an effect in the mundane world. The new math has killed thousands. The CDC is coming under scrutiny for not developing a math that would save lives. As Dr. Vax Seensnow of the World Health Organization, notes:

If the CDC is able to increase the number of dead from swine flu, surely their math could be used to increase the amount of vaccine available, too. This reveals a massive shortage of vaccine available around the world, and is sure to cause mass panic.

Vaccine skeptics, though, question the legitimacy of the new math. Dr. Stephen Birdling, the great physicist who was crippled by a neurological disorder, has become one of them. He is now convinced that his debilitation was the direct result of a vaccine—that he was, in fact, one of the earliest sufferers. He claims that estimation is not a legitimate field of math.

The CDC's response to Dr. Birdling is that he should stick with what he knows, the universe. CDC statistician, Rek-Les Num Bersistems, stated, "While we sympathize with Dr. Birdling's debility, it's clearly had an effect on his mental health. We suggest that he focus on his area of expertise and see his attending physician."

The vaccine manufacturer, SelumHi Corporation, has expressed its appreciation for the new math. Their new scientist, Dr. Gri di Cheeter, who recently resigned as the CDC's Director, solemnly declared:

We grieve for the families who have learned that some of their relatives believed to be alive and well are actually dead from swine flu. However, we hail the CDC's efforts to bring recognition to the need for increasing prof…uh…vaccine output. We are doing our very best to comply with this critical need.

When asked what people should do in response to the new math's revelations, CDC epidemiologist Dr. Stah Tisticks Fakir said,

Demand the swine flu vaccine from your doctor. Then, if you're one of the lucky ones still able to run, head for the hills as fast as you can. We're all going to die!

He was heard muttering to his CDC superior, "What do you mean, I wasn't supposed to say that? I thought that's what we're trying to get across to people."